Personal // Pride Month – How I Came to Terms with My Sexuality

IT’S PRIDE MONTH in 20GAYTEEN Y’ALL!

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☁️ Sense8 is back for its grand finale! 😭 I was not ready!
☁️ Queer Eye is back! 😬
☁️ Panic at the Disco’s new album Pray for the Wicked is nearly out 🙌
☁️ A new Troye Sivan track! 🎶
☁️ I’ve been listening to my gay af playlist non-stop!
☁️ Love, Simon comes out on DVD next month!!!
☁️ My new fave court drama, For the People, has gotten gay!!!

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And on top of all that, I’ve got a nice little stack of books filled with girls loving girls! 

 

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⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ✨Girls Loving Girls✨ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩After Far From You, I knew I needed more girls loving girls in my reads!👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 ⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ 📚So I went on a mission during my latest visit to a library I hadn’t been to before! And I think I found the motherload!📚 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ 🏳️‍🌈This week I’m going to talk about my road to coming to terms with my sexuality on my blog!🏳️‍🌈 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ~Going up tomorrow! Link in Bio~ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ —⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ #bookstagram #instareads #girlslovinggirls #tbr #queensofgeek #girlsmadeofsnowandglass #thenowheregirls #weareyoung #everythingleadstoyou #librarylove #sapphicreads

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In honour of pride month, I thought I’d share the story of how I came to terms with my sexuality!

First off, I didn’t know from a young age. Like, I had no bloody idea! I’m very much the embodiment of a clueless queer.

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I assumed that I was straight for most of my life. I think one of the biggest contributors to this was because I am attracted to guys and I was never attracted to any of my girl friends.

I’d look at other girls and think that I just wished I had their looks, I thought I was jealous. But looking back, that doesn’t make much sense because I’ve never been a jealous person.

queer eye antoni what confusion.gifOne of the first signs was when I was probably about 17. I started finding girls attractive, seemingly out of nowhere. Like hello???? That’s a pretty big neon sign for most people! But I just thought I was comfortable enough in my sexuality to be able to be appreciative of a pretty girl.

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During my teen years, I debated with people about the importance of marriage equality, including for a time, arguing with my mum, while she was deep in the church.

I never got an inkling that it meant so much to me because I might be queer. I still don’t think that was the reason why back then though. It is now, but then I didn’t know that I was queer. As far as I knew, my rights weren’t in question. I just fought for what I thought was right. 

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I had my foot in the door of the LGBTQIAP+ community as an ally for a while. I got through high school having absolutely no idea that I might not be straight. Friends came out, never once did I think I might be like them. Surely I would have known by now if I wasn’t straight??? Right???

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My mum brought me up to treat others the way you’d like to be treated, she brought me up to believe in equality and that everyone had a right to happiness. So when it came to the marriage equality debate, I just knew it was right for everyone to be able to marry who they wanted to, regardless of gender.

I couldn’t understand why, in this one area, my mum didn’t believe what she had taught me to believe my whole life. My mum has always been one to practice what she preached, which made me all the more frustrated.

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I first asked her if she would support my sister getting married, who came out as gay years earlier. My mum said she would support my sister, because she loves her, but didn’t agree that she should get married because marriage is between a man and woman. This caused huge problems between my mum and me for years.

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When I was about 18, one of my friends and I used to joke about us going to my house and telling mum that we were in a relationship just to see how she would react. A part of me wanted to. I started to question if she would love me still if I had been gay. I knew she loved my step-sister but I wondered if it would be different if I had been the one to come out.

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elena One Day at a time ODAAT butch.gifI had always been quite a bit of a tomboy growing up, and never gotten into the ‘girly’ things. When I was 18 I started hanging out with a different group of girls who were all very feminine. I found my feminine side, and at 19, I was living with 5 girls in one house. You’d think that if I was going to get my first real girl crush, it would have been then, but I didn’t. I was still totally clueless. 

I used to show pictures of girls I found attractive to my brother and ask if he found them attractive too. He looked at me a bit funny. You know the are you sure you’re not gay look, (looking back I got this look A LOT) and I was like no, I’m just comfortable in my sexuality. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH WRONG!

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supergirl alex if im gay.gifA few years ago after a couple of drinks, my mum blurted out that she thought I’d eventually come out as bisexual. By this point, my mum had long gotten out of the church and had done a complete 180 on marriage equality. (In the lead up to Australia’s vote for marriage equality, my mum was very outspoken about her support, leading to us both getting into quite a lot of arguments with her old church friends.)

After my mum said that, I started to really think about it and I quickly realized that maybe she wasn’t entirely wrong. I had never even thought about my sexuality before. I’d never even questioned it. Here I was at 21 and felt like I had been blind-sighted by my own identity. 

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I felt like I couldn’t include myself as part of the LGBTQIAP+ community for a while after spending so long being an ally and never wanting to step over the line. I felt like I had no right to inclusion in the community. What if I turned out to be 100% straight and I had just been confused? I felt like a fraud for a long time.

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I was part of groups and stuff on Facebook that were predominately LGBTQIAP+ people, I joined so that I could talk to other people who believed in marriage equality and there began a conversation about what the Q stood for in LGBTQIAP+, one being questioning. I commented saying that I considered myself questioning but felt like I couldn’t identify as LGBTQIAP+. Those who were part of the conversation accepted me with open arms and to have that validation from the community did wonders for my self-acceptance.

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For a very brief period of time I wondered if I was ace, but then I’d see someone I was sexually attracted to and went nope, that’s not it!

alex supergirl confused.gifVery slowly I decided that, for now, queer was the best label for me. I’d also explain myself as not entirely straight and a bit gay. Throughout the whole process, I was open with my parents and my siblings. I talked through what I was thinking with my mum, in order to process. I think it helped a lot that my sister had already come out years prior.

My mum actually said that when she picked up on the fact that I might not be straight she asked God about it (my mum has a lot of conversations with God, it’s the norm in my family. She might be out of the church but she’s just as much a believer as she ever was) and she told me that He basically told her that it didn’t matter. She should let me be me, as she always has, and that my sexuality is mine alone.

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Outside of my family, I came out to my best friend first which was pretty much just as much of a non-event as my coming out to my family was. I also came out to my aunt and my nana when they stayed with us last year. I mentioned it as an off-hand comment, which is usually how I come out to people while telling my aunt a story and my nana was standing next to me.

After I had mentioned it, my nana disappeared. I didn’t notice until my aunt mentioned it and said that she didn’t think my nana was too happy about it. (I just wanna mention that my aunt wasn’t saying it in an accusatory way, she’s probably the most accepting out of all my aunts and uncles.) It’s not something that bothers me a whole lot. My nana is an old school Christian, so I knew that she wouldn’t take it very well but I didn’t want to make it a whole thing. It’s not something I ever wanted to feel like I needed to hide either. It was like a band-aid; better to rip it off early and give her time to process.

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I’ve not really come out to the rest of my family. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned it to two of my aunt’s daughters (the aunt I already came out to). I think my mum has mentioned it to one of my other aunts as well. I’m not really bothered. I don’t feel the need to come out to them all. I’d rather just be myself and come out in a way that feels natural. For me, that’s mentioning it when it comes up or in an off-handed joke.

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My parents closest friends now know. Actually, funny story; one of them asked if I’d go down on a girl for a million dollars. I’m not sure if my parents just never got around to mentioning to him that I’m queer or if he just forgot but my response was a quick listen, there’s not a whole lot I wouldn’t do for a million dollars. So yes, but dude, I’m queer, if you wanna give me a challenge you’re gonna have to try harder than that.

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Outside of my family and close friends, I’m not really out to a whole lot of people. It’s not a conscious decision. Like I said, I prefer being able to just lightly mention it. Online I couldn’t be any more out! But I’ve always been able to be myself better with the communities I find for myself online.

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One of my co-workers knows that I’m queer, I came out to her because she’s the only one here my own age and she’s also queer. It’s been so great to talk about it with her, whether it be a deep look into our identities or about queer content that she’s always introducing me to. 

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Now, at 24, I still don’t really know which label fits me best. It’s not changed all that much since I first started to discover my sexuality.

I’ve looked deeper into sexual identities and discovered there are romantic identities and those can be the same or completely different to your sexual identity. I’ve also learned that I really just like looking at beautiful people not in a creepy way and I find most people beautiful, I like to call that my aesthetic attraction. I’m sure it probably has a technical term but I’m yet to find it.

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For the most part, I’m okay with not knowing my identity 100% yet, I know I’ll find it in time but there are some days where I became laser focused and trying to figure it out, then and there. I always get overwhelmed about all the options, every time I think I’ve figured it out, something else comes along that I think might be it instead. So many labels seem to fit but not quite right. Not enough. 

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deadpool pan gay.gifRight now, when it comes to my sexuality, I mostly identify as queer, I still describe myself as a bit gay or not entirely straight. I’m fine with being referred to as bisexual or pansexual.

For my romantic attraction, I think I’m most likely demiromantic.
I also identify with greyace, since I’m on the aro spectrum and I think I might be on the ace spectrum too, but I’m still unsure.

One day I’ll figure it out. Probably. Maybe. Who am I kidding??? I have no fucking clue! 

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So, as you can see, my coming out was pretty much a non-event, which was probably the best thing for me. I think a big reason why I never realized I might not be straight was that I’ve been in the middle of crises my whole life. I’ve had so much family drama going on for so long, I think my brain knew that I couldn’t handle questioning my sexuality on top of it all so it waited until things were a bit quieter.

I wanted to share my coming out story because I’ve not really seen it represented, like at all. Love, Simon was probably the closest thing to my story, in that his family and friends were all really supportive definitely not the blackmail bit, thank god.

I’m sharing it in hopes that someone’s who has a similar story to mine can read it and get that hey, that’s me feeling, because honestly, that’s one of the best feelings!

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Talk to me in the comments!
What was your coming out experience like?
Are you still unsure about how you identify? 

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